Well this is a post motivated from a good friend named Sonja, but in reality I have been experimenting with this for quite a while now; since about May of this year. This is my experience with the application of chivalry in my interactions with women. Most of my life I have always considered myself as a nice guy. When I was younger this nice-ness became very beneficial to have an abundance of female friends, but a detriment to my ability to attract and keep women sexually. As I got older my reputation with men grew more important to me as social pressure started to shape my ego and personality, but my reputation with women remained important as well. So through college I remained respectful towards women and also started going after what I wanted sexually more and created a lot of wonderful sexual experiences. However, this process rarely included chivalry and an extreme respect of boundaries that women put in front of me.
So after becoming an active member of Rori’s blog I became aware of how sought after this quality was from the women on there. So I decided to see what kind of effect it would have on my interactions with women for me to become very consciously chivalrous with both women and people in general. I got some interesting results.
Important disclaimer: If anybody decides to do this, which I do recommend, there is a fine line of how to do it. You need to do it from a place of not wanting anything in return for acting this way. You have to do it because you really want to do it for yourself not for anybody else. But pay attention to your feelings. If you start to harbor feelings of resentment for not getting anything in return other than appreciation, then you know that you are doing this for the wrong reasons and women will sense this act accordingly. Otherwise you are effectively screening out women who don’t show appreciation for your actions. This was my experience, anyways.
These are the chivalrous acts that I would do for women:
Opening doors- any kind of doors
Walking on the outside of a women on the sidewalk or in front of traffic
Ordering for women at restaurants after figuring out what they want
Testing wine at dinner
Pulling out chairs and tucking them in
Pressing the floor button on elevator for a woman
Dropping off at their front door and waiting for them to get in before leaving
If eating sushi, breaking apart the chopsticks and smoothing them out for her
And here are my results:
When I was chivalrous, I made a lot of really strong connections. I was able to build some strong attraction and sexual tension. If I was able to create a strong connection and sexual attraction in the past, I was able to easily move it to the bedroom whenever I felt the time was right. Ironically when I practiced this, it made it more difficult for me to actually move the interaction where I wanted it to go when I wanted to move it. It would also typically take much longer for sex to occur. And that was OK because the interactions were actually extremely enjoyable. Something about me being chivalrous made a woman’s boundaries much stronger. I can only guess why, but if I were to make an educated guess, I would say that it was because I showed so much respect, and they were not afraid to tell me what they really wanted; also, there was such a strong connection that they didn’t want to screw it up by having sex and me potentially losing interest before I invested myself a little more. Also, I believe that maybe by being more chivalrous, I was actually not pushing their boundaries as I normally would. That was really interesting to me since I figured that it would be the opposite. I was able to screen way better here as well. The women often wanted to be the girlfriend/wife, not the passionate fling, one night stand, or casual partner.
If I took the majority of the chivalry out of the equation with the exception of just being nice and respectable (if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be authentic with myself) it was actually easier for me to create very sexually charged interactions with women and it happened much faster than if I was chivalrous. I could make strong connections but they weren’t as deep as if I was chivalrous; still very enjoyable but in a different way. I could lead the interaction to embody whatever type of relationship I chose, but had much more trouble at screening women.
From my experience I took the following:
-To me chivalry is a form of investment. Most women are extremely attracted to it because it embodies your ability as a man to provide security and protection.
-Some women look and screen for that up front and will actually not be attracted to you if you don’t display a certain “level” of chivalry right away. That “level” is relative to each woman.
-This can be used as a screening tool for both men and women if used correctly. Men can use it as a means to screen for a woman that appreciates them or simply just expect this treatment without acknowledgement. For me, the latter made me feel as though she had too strong of a sense of entitlement and I would respond by having feelings of resentment and lack of appreciation. Women can use this as a means to screen guys who don’t want what you want in a relationship, whatever it may be.
-Women that reponded well to chivalry did not always equal a higher level of self-esteem, although it is more likely than not. I have met plenty of women that responded well to chivalry that I felt to be very insecure and vice-versa. At first I thought chivalry was only expected by women that had a much higher level of self-esteem. I don’t think that is the case anymore as I saw both here. I need to examine this a little more.
-It is just as easy to be put in the friend zone when you are overly chivalrous than when you are inconsiderate. There is a balance here as with all things. If you are overly chivalrous then it can come off as inauthentic and therefore make you look like you are needy or have a hidden agenda. If you are inconsiderate…well this one’s obvious. A healthy balance is key for me. I do it when I am inspired to do it and that’s it. Any more would be overkill.
-It varies drastically what some women perceive as chivalrous behavior versus others. Also, there is often a blend between what I would believe to be chivalry and what I would consider behaviors aimed at trying to impress women. Some of them seemed like pet peeves for particular women. Out of curiosity I asked several women what chivalry meant to them and the answers ranged from the usual stuff like opening up doors, being a knight in shining armor, and paying for meals to cleaning out your car and calling instead of texting for particular situations. Talk about a wide range! This showed me that there is even confusion among women about what chivalry really is.
In conclusion, I don’t feel that chivalry is dead by any means, but too much or too little can definitely effect the relationship/interaction for better or for worse. If you learn to be chivalrous only if you are doing it for yourself and not to please her then that’s the healthy balance that you are looking for. For some this might be a lot of chivalrous behavior while for others it may not be at all. Whatever feels right for you is what you should do, after trying everything out of course.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is an excellent article!
I can tell you the reason you found it a little harder to move it into the bedroom was pretty much nailed when you said:
“there was such a strong connection that they didn’t want to screw it up by having sex and me potentially losing interest before I invested myself a little more”
Guys who display chivalry are potential keepers from the get go. Guys who don’t are generally there to satisfy a physical need or for just good company (which of course can turn into more at some point). We ladies like to hold back just a little (or a lot…lol) for those men who have potential. It is so easy to lose a chance at getting to know someone better when you jump into bed with them right away. We don’t like losing that chance with men who are attractive in ways that go beyond physical.
“At first I thought chivalry was only expected by women that had a much higher level of self-esteem. I don’t think that is the case anymore as I saw both here. I need to examine this a little more.”
I think with the women who have lower self-esteem its not so much an “expectation” as it is a dream (correct me if I’m wrong based on your experience). We all (low or high self-esteem) want to be treated like ladies…we want chivalry…we want a man to be a man and take control of situations even if it is in small ways (like holding doors and pushing elevator buttons). Most of us don’t get to a place where we “expect” it, but we are almost all in a place where we love it and/or want it in our lives! Personally, I’m at a place where I expect it in some areas (like opening doors for example…umm…to the point where I will stop at a door and unconsciously wait for a man to open it. we can blame J for that bit of self-centeredness… – but I ALWAYS say “thank you”… It actually gets embarrassing sometimes…especially when the other person I’m walking with happens to be my sister who is also waiting for the door to be opened…) but it other ways, it catches me totally off guard…almost always in a good way.
I remember the first time J ordered for me in a restaurant. The independent side of me wondered what in the heck he was doing (and there’s the balance you guys have to find – don’t take away her independence when you’re busy treating her like a lady)…the feminine side of me had a heart that was melting. We ladies need to find that balance as well. At work, if I’m the first to the door, I open it no matter who else is there (and I’m totally shocked and caught off guard when a man insists on holding it open for me) and it never bothers me at all. When I’m not at work and I’m at say a restaurant and a guy lets me hold the door (or worse…pauses and waits for ME to open it) I am immediately turned off. J has a way of bringing out the feminine in me (which is cool
) )…I don’t know…I guess its all a matter of personal taste, doing what feels right, and finding a partner that fits that balance with you.
Again…excellent topic. I hope you keep opening those doors…
Much Love,
Mercedes
Very nice article Terrance.
This had me chuckling..
“You need to do it from a place of not wanting anything in return for acting this way. You have to do it because you really want to do it for yourself not for anybody else. But pay attention to your feelings.”
You are sounding more and more like Rori everyday LOL.
I don’t know if I would call it chivalry though. Doing these little things (or not so little) show that you care, are paying attention to the woman; it’s a recognition of her as a person which from what I hear is STILL sorely lacking in the dating world.
I was flustered and most pleasantly surprised when K behaved this way with me from the beginning, and it continues. (except for ordering for me which I’m totally fine with. Prefer it actually.)
That it now takes you longer to move things along is coming from both of you. Not only is she looking at you as more than a fling, YOU in your demonstration of respect, FEEL differently about her too, unconsciously up until now. She becomes more than to you, something more than sex but a real live feeling being. You are getting this aren’t you?
You’re a great guy. Love that you are bringing up subtleties that really are not so.
xxoo
Thanks ladies for the compliments:-)
“I think with the women who have lower self-esteem its not so much an “expectation” as it is a dream (correct me if I’m wrong based on your experience). ”
This makes complete sense. And overall you two filled all the gaps of my experiement. So thanks for that
Hope you two had a good halloween
Women who have lower self esteem love it and probably react similarly to it in the beginning, but they secretly believe they don’t deserve it and look for the reason for it.
It is a fascinating discovery you’ve made. I never really thought about it in such simple terms, but it’s true that women are screening for “keepers” and chivalry is part of that screening process. It also fits in with Rori’s advice about allowing men to do these things and to “accept” them is to be feminine. A lot of Rori’s tools are actually about screening out the men looking for a quick sexual connection.