When most people are younger we are taught that the institution of marriage is the ultimate form of intimacy and that’s what we all need to strive for. So as we are growing up we practice by having boyfriends and girlfriends and hone our skills at commitment and get all of our play time and experimentation out of the way because, of course, if we are ever going to be happy we have to be able to have successful marriages. So when we are in these relationships we look to the other person as a consistent supply of emotional security in general for women and sex for men. Well generally when we are younger we usually have a tough time consistently getting sex and emotional connections from the opposite sex. So when we actually get it we try to hang on to it as long as we can because we don’t know when or if we will ever find it again. When men have not developed a strong talent for attracting women consistently, they tend to conform society’s norms of monogamy because they look at it as a way to consistently have sex with minimal efforts on our part. Of course our emotions become attached because we like the girl. However, the lack the confidence or belief that we can as men consistently get laid if we want to holds us back too. This scarcity mindset in itself is both a reason to stay in a committed relationship and to cheat. A reason to stay because of a belief that you don’t think you will be able to achieve what you have consistently already. Its a reason to cheat because of a belief that you can’t pass up on any opportunity because you never know when it will happen again from another person outside of the relationship. I call this Unconscious monogamy because of our unconscious ability to create whatever we want to. Whether it is creating a one night stand with ease or as a woman to be able to attract anyone she wants with ease.
But what if you didn’t have a scarcity mindset? What if you instead had an abundance mindset and believed that you can consistently create whatever you wanted when you wanted it? How would that affect your ability to remain monogamous?
If in a way a scarcity mindset is a means to keep you in a relationship then what happens when that is taken out of the equation? Well…I gotta tell you it’s way more difficult than walking away from a fight. That’s for sure! You no longer have the mindset that you have to stay in a monogamous relationship because you don’t believe you can’t get something else as good if not better than what you have if things go downhill. You aren’t afraid to walk away. For that person it gets much more difficult. If you see someone that you are attracted to and a connection is created what is stopping you from making it happen? When I was put in that situation I would always check in to see what it was that was holding me back. What I personally noticed was obligation, love, and a lot of willpower. There was no longer fear of not ever finding someone that was as good as the person that I was with currently. So the urge was much stronger. What stopped me was my commitment to my girl and the fact that I didn’t need the other person. There is a huge difference here between want and need. The obligation to the commitment is what stopped me from going for what I wanted and to me that felt restrictive to my nature. So I had to be consciously monogamous at this point. Some would say that love alone would curb this urge that compels up to continue to form deep sexual/emotional connections with the opposite sex and if it is true for them then that is great. However, if we look beyond the traditional way of society, I believe for the greater masses there is going to be a level of obligation, which would lead to resentment of the other person.
This begs the question that I will leave to you to consider. Do you believe that monogamy or marriage the ultimate form of intimacy or is it just a niche of a plethora of other types of relationships we can ultimately truly be happy in? More to come on this topic
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
“What stopped me was my commitment to my girl and the fact that I didn’t need the other person.”
(First of all T, I like your other template much better. This one is hard on the eyes. But in the end it has to please YOU.)
The above stood out for me. It’s neat and clean and needs no further elaboration.
I firmly believe that a one on one, deep love intimacy is the ultimate. That A a person can’t find happiness otherwise is silly. Of course there are all kinds of roads to happiness, but are these other ways able to touch deep love intimacy? I would say no. Love? Yes. A really great kind of love? Sure. But the deep connection that flows only between two people? NO. It’s just not possible when the flow is diverted and thus moving in many directions. The energy would diffuse.
xxoo
Great stuff CT! people need to understand that having love from multiple sources(as in polyamory) does not inherently detract from one person’s love for another… in other words, loving a second person doesn’t take away from a person’s love for the first person. A person’s capacity for love is not a finite amount.
Things are not always so easy however, as most of the time, if a person is with more than one person, they tend to gravitate toward one more than others. People should not assume though that one person loving someone else more results in the others being loved less. While it can happen, the two are not necessarily causally related.
Hope I said that clearly
-Scotty
-”What I personally noticed was obligation, love, and a lot of willpower. There was no longer fear of not ever finding someone that was as good as the person that I was with currently… What stopped me was my commitment to my girl and the fact that I didn’t need the other person. ”
T, you throw around the word love as if everyone understands the meaning and weight of the emotion. And it would be good to have you expand on what “obligation/commitment” you have and why you feel it.
What I find empowering in this situation is not the “Fear that I will not find someone as good as my current girl”, but the knowledge that I am a desirable man who has attracted the cream of the crop, and have chosen her above all others because she is of high value and a better match for me then most.
Therefore I know finding someone else as good as her will not happen quickly or easily. I am confident in my ability, and my choice, not my obligation and commitment.
Hey Tinque-
Thanks for the feedback on the site. I am still learning how to use it so I am experiementing with the look. So I appreciate your feedback on that.
I know you feel that way as you know I don’t feel that monogamy is the only way to touch deep intimacy love. The irony is that I don’t think that there is a way to prove our perspectives to each other as it stands. I am purely assuming, but if i told you that I was able to do it in a non-mongamous relationship, no matter what the time frame of the relationship I don’t think you would really know or believe me. I would be happy to be proven wrong here though.
Thanks for your input!
Steele: “What I find empowering in this situation is not the “Fear that I will not find someone as good as my current girl”, but the knowledge that I am a desirable man who has attracted the cream of the crop, and have chosen her above all others because she is of high value and a better match for me then most.”
I love, love, LOVE that! I do believe it is harder for a man who has a lot of confidence in his abililty to attract woman to be faithful, for a time, in a relationship but…once true love is there and this man knows without a doubt that he has selected the perfect woman for him…those desires for other women will go away (not the attraction for other women, but the desire to be intimate with them).
Terrance: My statement to you about it in the beginning was in direct relation to my own relationship for several years. My guy (who has always been very successful with women) couldn’t fully commit…tried and failed…it was not only hard to stay faithful to me, it was TOO hard. And when he was out with the guys, he wasn’t anything NEAR committed!
But, once he truly fell in love and truly decided I was the PERFECT woman FOR HIM, it hasn’t been an issue at all. He doesn’t feel obligated, he doesn’t resent me for it, he simply knows he has chosen the right woman for him and doesn’t want any other. I feel the same about him. I have no desire to be with anyone else, not out of obligation, but instead, it is simply a total and complete lack of desire to be in a bed with another man. No desire. We have each other and the love is too strong…it overpowers everything else.
We both meet attractive people of the opposite sex all the time and never, ever want to be with them sexually. I don’t know how to explain it except to say that if I were given the choice of being with any other man in the world or going home to J…I’d much rather go home. If I were out of town and given the choice of going to a hotel room with any other man in the world or going back to my own room and calling J to talk until we’re too sleepy to stay awake any longer, I’d much rather go to my own room and call him. This is the man who makes me laugh, who totally gets my personality and sense of humor, who misses me when I’m gone, who is grateful for me when I’m there, who shares an intimate connection with me, who supports me and challenges me and loves me and cherishes me who is passionate about me and eager to make love to me…I can’t imaging wanting to spend my time with another man when I could spend it with J (either in his arms or on the phone or even just alone thinking of him and remembering all the things I want to talk to him about). I can’t even imagine it. It’s one of those things I guess…he’s who I want every second I can be with him and if an encounter with another man takes away from time I could be spending with J…I have no desire for it at all. I do it when I have to (say business reasons or I’m out with friends and we meet other people, etc,) but I’m always anxious and ready to be back in the arms of my love just as soon as I can be. Always.
If I have an opportunity presented to me by another man and I turn him down, what am I missing out on? A potential connection? A potential love? A potential amazing love making session? A potential…….????? None of that matters to me…because I don’t just have the potential at home…I have the real thing…all of it and everything I could have ever wanted. I’m not at all concerned or desiring of the “potential” I just walked away from…never even give it a second thought…and I sure as hell am not going to resent J for it! LOL
Until people feel that way though…I do believe it can be very hard to walk away (especially if you are in a “committed” relationship you are not ready for) and I really believe it is harder to walk away from that than from a fight.
Much Love,
Mercedes
PS: I’m with Tinque…the white on black is VERY hard to read…lol
)
Oh yes please, thank you T. This is MUCH better.
Steele and Miss M said it all very well, and I really have noting to add. We’ve been down this road before. And it’s all good. It really doesn’t matter if you believe me or I believe you.
I have said this before, as long as YOU are happy and as long as YOU ARE NOT HURTING ANYONE ELSE, than how you choose to live your life is your business and your business only.
I do hope if only a little that you get to experience what is we have, me, Miss M, and seemingly Steele, and not at all for an “I told you so” but because it’s like nothing else. It’s so beyond special there are no words to really express it.
That’s all.
xxoo
I want it for the “I told you so”….
Just kidding!! Love you TT!!
Steele,
Thanks for droppin by bro!…I’m glad to hear from you and you are always more than welcome here. Now hurry up and get back to LA so we can really catch up
Anyways, the meaning of Love and the weight it holds is completely relative to the person. As is the word commitment. What is your defintion of commitment? In the context of this post, the obligation was to the physical/emotional commitment that I had which simply meant not cheating on my girlfriend.
“What I find empowering in this situation is not the “Fear that I will not find someone as good as my current girl”, but the knowledge that I am a desirable man who has attracted the cream of the crop, and have chosen her above all others because she is of high value and a better match for me then most”
You said it in much better words than I did. Thanks for that.
“Therefore I know finding someone else as good as her will not happen quickly or easily. I am confident in my ability, and my choice, not my obligation and commitment”
Yes I see this too because a committment of any kind is a choice to be made. I also love the positve reframe of course. That is a very healthy midset to have if you decide on monogamy.
Loved seeing you here…stick around for a while
Great entry. And way better color scheme on the eyes.
I see the perks to getting married, but I don’t think marriage is required for two people to be happy, grow together, and raise a family.
Marriage is like a business transaction you are willingly become a part of. Yup, there are tons of government benefits and all that, but man… it seems like the most miserable people are the ones in marriages.
Unconscious monogamy is so common. So many people get married because it’s the “thing to do”. NO WAY MAN! Ugh…
I’m a fan of marriage when both people know exactly why they are letting the government be a part of a union. Someone said this a while ago, “I believe in volunteers, not victims”.
I want to get married eventually, and choose monogamy consciously, and have some kids too, but for the right reasons for me. If it doesn’t add to my current well being, no way. If it adds, of course!
Hi Terrance!
I love your writing style… Your voice is smooth and happy, clear!
I wanted to also thank you for joining the many way email conversation lately…
I’m sitting with questions about this article in particular…
Feeling some sadness and passion for Burning Man Guy… and some confusion…
I also loved your post on Radical Honesty… I’m going to add you to my blog roll… I just posted an article on Radical Calls for Radical Honesty…
http://thewayoftheexquisitewoman.blogspot.com/2009/12/radical-calls-for-radical-forgiveness.html
Thank you for being such a beautiful man…
Hey Gayla,
Thanks for posting
Its always been a struggle for me to write, but slowly I am getting better. Thanks for the compliment. I’m curious as to what questions you are sitting with?? I liked your post as well! Stick around for a while 
Terrance,
monogamy … conscious or unconscious.
ho hum.
lol :-p
It’s definitely more of a challenge for a man who’s really successful with women to stay monogamous, but it can be done, assuming that’s what he really wants. I think often times men who become successful with women find that they no longer want to be monogamous, but think that they do or think that they should. It’s hard to be honest with yourself when you’ve been told that you should get married, make babies and such. Not everyone is designed to have 2.3 kids and all.