Is it harder for people to remain monogamous after becoming highly successful with attracting the opposite sex? I have to say this is a tough one  to answer. I imagine that when I state my case, this might strike a healthy dose of a friendly debating. Again I can only answer from experience as a man who has become happy with my abilities with women. I got an email from another female dating coach asking me questions about the seduction community. She asked some very interesting questions and made some great insights. One that sparked my thoughts into this topic was her stating how she could imagine difficult it could be for a guy who has developed a talent for picking up women to not cheat when he’s out with his buddies and drinking. At the time when she said this I had not been in a monogamous relationship in well over a year. So I related it to fighting. I have been a competitive fighter for years and have yet to succumb to being provoked in to a street fight, even though I love to fight, in over 13 years. I told her that my self control allowed me to walk away. At the time I thought that was a sound argument. But I was wrong. The difference that I had not accounted for was a concept that I call being unconsciously monogamous vs. consciously monogamous. Let me explain.

When most people are younger we are taught that the institution of marriage is the ultimate form of intimacy and that’s what we all need to strive for. So as we are growing up we practice by having boyfriends and girlfriends and hone our skills at commitment and get all of our play time and experimentation out of the way because, of course, if we are ever going to be happy we have to be able to have successful marriages. So when we are in these relationships we look to the other person as a consistent supply of emotional security in general for women and sex for men. Well generally when we are younger we usually have a tough time consistently getting sex and emotional connections from the opposite sex. So when we actually get it we try to hang on to it as long as we can because we don’t know when or if we will ever find it again. When men have not developed a strong talent for attracting women consistently, they tend to conform society’s norms of monogamy because they look at it as a way to consistently have sex with minimal efforts on our part. Of course our emotions become attached because we like the girl. However, the lack the confidence or belief that we can as men consistently get laid if we want to holds us back too. This scarcity mindset in itself is both a reason to stay in a committed relationship and to cheat. A reason to stay because of a belief that you don’t think you will be able to achieve what you have consistently already. Its a reason to cheat because of a belief that you can’t pass up on any opportunity because you never know when it will happen again from another person outside of the relationship. I call this Unconscious monogamy because of our unconscious ability to create whatever we want to. Whether it is creating a one night stand with ease or as a woman to be able to attract anyone she wants with ease.

 But what if you didn’t have a scarcity mindset? What if you instead had an abundance mindset and believed that you can consistently create whatever you wanted when you wanted it? How would that affect your ability to remain monogamous?

 If in a way a scarcity mindset is a means to keep you in a relationship then what happens when that is taken out of the equation? Well…I gotta tell you it’s way more difficult than walking away from a fight. That’s for sure! You no longer have the mindset that you have to stay in a monogamous relationship because you don’t believe you can’t get something else as good if not better than what you have if things go downhill. You aren’t afraid to walk away. For that person it gets much more difficult. If you see someone that you are attracted to and a connection is created what is stopping you from making it happen? When I was put in that situation I would always check in to see what it was that was holding me back. What I personally noticed was obligation, love, and a lot of willpower. There was no longer fear of not ever finding someone that was as good as the person that I was with currently. So the urge was much stronger. What stopped me was my commitment to my girl and the fact that I didn’t need the other person. There is a huge difference here between want and need. The obligation to the commitment is what stopped me from going for what I wanted and to me that felt restrictive to my nature. So I had to be consciously monogamous at this point. Some would say that love alone would curb this urge that compels up to continue to form deep sexual/emotional connections with the opposite sex and if it is true for them then that is great. However, if we look beyond the traditional way of society, I believe for the greater masses there is going to be a level of obligation, which would lead to resentment of the other person.

 This begs the question that I will leave to you to consider. Do you believe that  monogamy or marriage the ultimate form of intimacy or is it just a niche of a plethora of other types of relationships we can ultimately truly be happy in?  More to come on this topic

 

Important disclaimer: If anybody decides to do this, which I do recommend, there is a fine line of how to do it. You need to do it from a place of not wanting anything in return for acting this way. You have to do it because you really want to do it for yourself not for anybody else. But pay attention to your feelings. If you start to harbor feelings of resentment for not getting anything in return other than appreciation, then you know that you are doing this for the wrong reasons and women will sense this act accordingly. Otherwise you are effectively screening out women who don’t show appreciation for your actions. This was my experience, anyways.

Opening doors- any kind of doors

Walking on the outside of a women on the sidewalk or in front of traffic

Ordering for women at restaurants after figuring out what they want

Testing wine at dinner

Pulling out chairs and tucking them in

Pressing the floor button on elevator for a woman

Dropping off at their front door and waiting for them to get in before leaving

If eating sushi, breaking apart the chopsticks and smoothing them out for her

 

And here are my results:

 

When I was chivalrous, I made a lot of really strong connections. I was able to build some strong attraction and sexual tension. If I was able to create a strong connection and sexual attraction in the past, I was able to easily move it to the bedroom whenever I felt the time was right. Ironically when I practiced this, it made it more difficult for me to actually move the interaction where I wanted it to go when I wanted to move it. It would also typically take much longer for sex to occur. And that was OK because the interactions were actually extremely enjoyable. Something about me being chivalrous made a woman’s boundaries much stronger. I can only guess why, but if I were to make an educated guess, I would say that it was because I showed so much respect, and they were not afraid to tell me what they really wanted; also, there was such a strong connection that they didn’t want to screw it up by having sex and me potentially losing interest before I invested myself a little more. Also, I believe that maybe by being more chivalrous, I was actually not pushing their  boundaries as I normally would. That was really interesting to me since I figured that it would be the opposite. I was able to screen way better here as well. The women often wanted to be the girlfriend/wife, not the passionate fling, one night stand, or casual partner.

 

If I took the majority of the chivalry out of the equation with the exception of just being nice and respectable (if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be authentic with myself) it was actually easier for me to create very sexually charged interactions with women and it happened much faster than if I was chivalrous. I could make strong connections but they weren’t as deep as if I was chivalrous; still very enjoyable but in a different way. I could lead the interaction to embody whatever type of relationship I chose, but had much more trouble at screening women.

 

From my experience I took the following:

 

 -To me chivalry is a form of investment. Most women are extremely attracted to it because it embodies your ability as a man to provide security and protection.

 

-Some women look and screen for that up front and will actually not be attracted to you if you don’t display a certain “level” of chivalry right away. That “level” is relative to each woman.

 

-This can be used as a screening tool for both men and women if used correctly. Men can use it as a means to screen for a woman that appreciates them or simply just expect this treatment without acknowledgement. For me, the latter made me feel as though she had too strong of a sense of entitlement and I would respond by having feelings of resentment and lack of appreciation. Women can use this as a means to screen guys who don’t want what you want in a relationship, whatever it may be.

 

 -Women that reponded well to chivalry did not always equal a higher level of self-esteem, although it is more likely than not. I have met plenty of women that responded well to chivalry that I felt to be very insecure and vice-versa. At first I thought chivalry was only expected by women that had a much higher level of self-esteem. I don’t think that is the case anymore as I saw both here. I need to examine this a little more.

 

-It is just as easy to be put in the friend zone when you are overly chivalrous than when you are inconsiderate. There is a balance here as with all things. If you are overly chivalrous then it can come off as inauthentic and therefore make you look like you are needy or have a hidden agenda. If you are inconsiderate…well this one’s obvious. A healthy balance is key for me. I do it when I am inspired to do it and that’s it.  Any more would be overkill.

 

-It varies drastically what some women perceive as chivalrous behavior versus others. Also, there is often a blend between what I would believe to be chivalry and what I would consider behaviors aimed at trying to impress women. Some of them seemed like pet peeves for particular women. Out of curiosity I asked several women what chivalry meant to them and the answers ranged from the usual stuff  like opening up doors, being a knight in shining armor, and paying for meals to cleaning out your car and calling instead of texting for particular situations. Talk about a wide range!  This showed me that there is even confusion among women about what chivalry really is.

 

In conclusion, I don’t feel that chivalry is dead by any means, but too much or too little can definitely effect the relationship/interaction for better or for worse.  If you learn to be chivalrous only if you are doing it for yourself and not to please her then that’s the healthy balance that you are looking for. For some this might be a lot of chivalrous behavior while  for others it may not be at all. Whatever feels right for you is what you should do, after trying everything out of course.